Madame Web

Years ago, I was in line at AwesomeCon chatting with my co-host CJ about the scary thought of Trump being elected. But more importantly, we are talking about the heat death of the comic book movie genre. This is spring of 2016, we saw the MCU make all the right moves, DC having an idea but no way how to make it happen, Fox had the X-Men in the Full Nelson, and we both laughed and agreed it was gonna be Sony. At the time, Sony had full rights to Spider-Man and wasn't too sure what to do with him. The Comic Book genre was white hot, and printing money. Well at least for the MCU was. We laughed thinking they would smash Spiderman's legacy into dust and they be forced to give it to the Mouse. Yeah...that didn't happen. You see, it is 2024, and to me dear reading they all had a hand in killing it. In present day most if not all of the comic book movies are pissing off causal moviegoers, all of them overproduced/over-budgeted to the point where the actor's contempt is leaking everywhere. Almost all of them require rewrites or reshoots, and in a normal timeline this means nothing. But now its waitner taking back your steak because its actually 3 day old fish. The TV shows aren't doing them any favors. Comic book readers who have always been vocal are now just barely tweeting because they realize no one reads comics unless a movie is popular. The only ones defending the fatigue of the genre are MCU loyalists, guys who just wanna see their favorite thing on a movie screen, tweens to kids age 4, and people who love leftist checkboxing. These movies have split the fanbases hard, and you would be a daydreamer to think fucking Deadpool 3 is gonna fix all this shit. That or The Thunderbolts will turn heads. The slow heat death of the comic genre started during the Covid lockdown. Madame Web is just a fine example of why it's true.

Madame Web already had a hill to climb because Comic Book fans already hate them. Hate that started at Amazing Spiderman 2. But while AS2 was being hated by guys who had never seen a blade of grass, we are now at Sony post-Morbius. The Venom movies proved that you can make a mid-superhero flick and make bank. Morbis was bullied mercilessly by everyone and trolled into a second theatrical release. And if I may its because we didn't hear "Its Morbin Time" Bruh come on! It would've been easy, Jared Leto is the lead vocalist in 30 Seconds to Mars. Nothing beneath him. This is also during a time when Sony put out 2 Miles Morales movies that got more awards than any MCU movie combimed. So while fatigue was there, people thought, maybe Sony isn't completely retarded and they found a way to make it their cinematic wor-...no. Not at all.

Before I go on with this review, I must confess that I on average hated the last 2 years of Comic Book movies. Morbius was shit, Dr Strange was forgettable, I had to be remained that Shazam had movie out at least 3 times, Black Panther 2 was a film the was most certainly made, Antman 3 was horse shit as MODOK cgi, Guardians 3...I liked it. The Marvels was a unseasoned and made me hate the media. It got fans to bully other fans by calling them misogynist and intolerant for not liking the movie. Black Adam was another one that made hate this genre. We could've feed all of Panama with that money wasted on that. Blue Beetle happened which sucked cuz it wasn't bad at all. Love and Thunder shouldve never been made. And finally The Flash killed the last part of my hope for the DCEU. The Batman was the best in these past 2 years that was phenomenal. But its very unfair to stack Batman up to the other movies. Also, when the bar is lower than Ant titties...you get what I'm saying. I said all of that to show you how tired I'm and many are too. Tell me why fatigue isn't true. If you think these plus 4 TV shows aren't overkill then congratulations. Free time and life stress aren't obstacles for you. Here's Lifesaver. Now fuck off.

Oh yeah...the review. One of the things I've noticed in the last 3 to 6 years is these movies want to connect to a franchise or at least to a universe. They also want to have inclusion, jokes, and a powerful 3rd act. But much like a fat guy swinging Tarzan style on a rope, it is either gonna snap. Madame Web is everything bad about comic movies. Bad plot, unlikable characters, a villain who just sucks, VFX that are obnoxious and janky, a story that is amazingly hard to follow, not respecting its source material, and look at that! You wasted nearly two hours. Thats the one thing I'll give this movie. It could've been 2 hours. And while I'm on bright spots, Sydney Sweeney was the only one to come out of this movie with remaining HP. Not because of her performance, but because teens to grown men like her bitties. Best part is, homegirl had the silencers on those twins the entire movie and gained a fanbase. I know, I know, life ain't fair but neither is Dark Souls so whatcha gonna do? That is another good stopping point. Sony pushed the hell out of girls. Dakota, Sydney, black one, and Dora the Explorer. Don't get mad at me. Without a Google search, how many of you could correctly identify Celeste O'Connor in a lineup of black girls Hollywood likes because they can make one of her parents white? Same with Dora. I'm sorry, Nickelodeon Latino girl #558. Many of you might think that was fucked up. ...

The movie follows the life of Cassandra Webb. I would get mad at that name but that comic canon so fuck me right. But while she was still in the womb, her mother was a scientist looking for a spider that could do...it doesn't matter. None of this matters. Her mom was looking for a special spider in Peru, and when she found it her partner killed her for the spider. Luckily for her, a clan of Peruvian Spider-Men helps her deliver her daughter and she dies. I guess they took her to the airport to get back to America...again, it doesn't matter. None of this matters. Her mother's partner, Ezekiel played by a French dude who is too good for this movie, has his own problems. You see it gave him the powers of a white belt Spider-Man and Costco Bruce Wayne. But more importantly, he has nightmares about his death. In the nightmare its 3 versions of Spiderwoman killing him. Much like Zeus in God of War, he's gonna nip this future failure in bud. So with all of the powers of his Geese Howard bank account, he makes software that can find the 3 girls and kill them now. Meanwhile, Cassandra who is a paramedic keeps having burst visions of her future. In one of them, Mike Epps dies via Ironhide smashing into a Hospital van. Cassandra's partner Ben Parker...yeah, that Ben, played by Adam "I'm only here because I'm renovating my kitchen and garage" Scott. She continues to have these visions until she finds out who the Spiderwomen are. Yada-yada-yada, she finds them, yada-yada Ezekiel dressed as Kirkland brand Spiderman tries to kill them. Yada-yada-yada, a movie happens.

The story is solid, not the best thing in the world but in the hands of a good director and screenplay writer, it can be salvaged from a shit movie to one you'll pleasantly revisit every couple of years. But as we all know asking for both of them post Infinity War wasn't gonna happen. The movie tries and fails to do all the hallmarks that made the MCU pre-Black Widow good. Dakota Johnson simply doesn't belong in a superhero movie. The girls try to have witty banter and relatable dialog, but they're all so uninteresting, annoying, and you'll simply won't care about their plight. The action scenes in 911: Lone Star washes this movie. The villain is never a threat because of Cassandra and her powers. The best kill happens in a dream sequence. What's worse is none of the Spiderwomen get to Spider. Like I'm not one of these fans mad Peter Parker isn't in it. I'm glad he isn't here to be disrespected. But it takes effort to not have these girls do anything like their characters. Oh, the villain's death isn't even satisfying either cuz he caused it. And not like in an ironic way. He died cuz he was a shitty Spiderman. This movie is balls.

I remember seeing Captain America/Winter Soldier and quietly saying to myself that the train was about to stop moving. For me, it was over when She-Hulk diminished Hulk and became every white girls hero and twerked about it. The coffin slammed shut when I saw the trailer of Kraven. This movie just reminded me of why I stopped going to movie premieres, stopped caring about nerd news, and why i stopped reviewing these movies. Why should I give a shit when Sony just makes things. Why should I care when the MCU when they weaponize their fans to guilt/shame people for not liking the pile of CGI shit it makes. Why should I care when DC has all its good projects lit on fire for profit? The Western genre was the king for most of the 50s, all of the 60s, and the early 70s. The Superhero genre is in the same boat. It's burning billions, pissing off actors/directors/writers, alienating its core fans, and turning the world of comics into a tribalistic hellscape. Well, more than it already was. Madame Web will be saved by Sony selling it to a streaming service, so it can get every penny it can. It will too. No one is gonna pay money for this shit.

I do have one last plea. Stop the insanity. Stop giving these people money. Not just Sony, but all of the comic genre. Or just wait until it's on Hulu.

Dee’s Rating:

3 out of 10